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Swamp Devil
R1 - America - Genius Products Review written by and copyright: Anthony Arrigo (29th May 2009). |
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The Film
 Every now and then, when a film I’m convinced will be an utter piece of crap turns up, I always secretly hope inside that it’s going to be awesome. Not awesome in a high-production-values kind of way, but awesome in a throwback-to-the-80’s-heydays sorta way. “Swamp Devil” (2008) looked like it could have been one of those films. The cover art harks back to the days of big-box VHS tapes; you know, the kind that always made visual promises the actual film could rarely keep. Even though the film starred no one noteworthy, it did feature Bruce Dern, an actor for whom I have a great deal of admiration. It also claims on the back that it was voted as “Audience Favorite” at the 2008 Philadelphia Terror Film Festival. After having watched the film I can come to one of two conclusions: the cast and crew must have been the only people voting, or this Terror Film Festival is just a fancy term for director David Winning’s basement video night with some friends. I’ve had the displeasure of sitting through some truly trying films in my life, but I can recall few that were as poorly written, acted or directed as this one. When a stranger, Jimmy (Nicolas Wright), calls Melanie (Cindy Sampson) to tell her that her father, Howard (Bruce Dern), is dying, she races back home to the small town of Gibbington to be by his side, despite the obvious fact that she has no relationship with the man. Upon arrival, Melanie learns that her father is not dying, but rather he is wanted for murder. She and the local law enforcement set out into the woods to find him, and when they do they discover that Howard isn’t the one responsible for the recent killings; it’s actually Jimmy, who has the ability to turn himself into a killer tree. That’s right, a killer tree. Hilarity, not terror, rapidly ensues. Oh, where to begin? The writing on this film is particularly atrocious. Writer Gary Dauberman seems to be something of a hired gun for the “Maneater Series” of films, having also penned “In the Spider’s Web” (2007) and “BloodMonkey” (2007). Apparently those two films were strong enough to warrant his being hired for this gig, reason enough for me to never see either of those films in my life. I’d attempt to point out the problems with this script, but this review would quickly expand to college thesis proportions, so I’ll just point out some major flaws. Melanie, as the story makes crystal clear, intensely dislikes her father, yet when she finally seems him, haggard and limping in the woods, she boldly declares that she’s “not going to leave him”. What an amazing breakthrough! I guess 5 minutes of interaction is all it took to wash away 20 years of contempt. When Melanie picks Jimmy up after she gets to town, he waits on the other side of the county line to get into the car. Melanie, remembering this meaningless detail, deduces that it must mean he is unable to cross the county line. Because, you know, that’s the first thing any logical person would assume. Even if the dialogue here isn’t enough to leave you disgusted, the actors themselves do their best to make it sound even worse. Every single person here cannot act, period. As I watched the film I felt a tinge of depression hit me as I realized that I spend my days balancing a full-time job and college load while these people are being paid to act this bad. It’s ludicrous! I can’t remember the last time an ensemble cast sucked this bad across the board. I’ll give them credit for one thing: they sure are consistent. No one ever delivers a single convincing line or offers up a shred of credible acting ability. Bravo, cast of “Swamp Devil”, bravo. The only real actor they were able to afford is the great Bruce Dern, although his decision to star in this film is a bit disconcerting. Do you need another house, Bruce? Drug problem? Gambling addiction? Alimony payments? They should really place a disclaimer on the back of the packaging explaining why Dern would waste any amount of his talent being in this picture. Though he mostly phones in the role, he’s not so terrible. Although, it may only seem that way since everyone else is. This isn’t quite as bad as, say, Sir Ben Kingsley starring in an Uwe Boll film (2005’s "BloodRayne"), mostly because Dern isn’t on Kingsley’s level, but you get the point. Why acclaimed older actors choose to waste their talents on films like this is beyond me. They must really love what they do, regardless of the merits of any project they tackle. I was hoping to check director David Winning’s IMDb page and find out this is his debut film. Sadly enough, he’s been directing since 1977, but it’s mostly been television work, so I can only guess that he was desperate for a feature. Ironic, given his last name, that this film is such a loser in every respect. The film is directed with all the visual acumen of a Sci-Fi pictures movie of the week. Please, David, stick to television for the sake of anyone that enjoys decent cinema. The only remotely cool thing in the film is the tree creature that Jimmy turns into. It’s not scary, mind you, it just looks semi-cool. Tress can be scary, indeed anyone who has seen Sam Raimi’s 1981 classic “The Evil Dead” can attest to that fact, but here it looks like the characters are being hunted down by a rejected Ent from a low-fi “Lord of the Rings” videogame.
Video
“Swamp Devil” is presented with a 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer. The image is relatively clean overall, with little to no grain. Black levels don’t hold up so well, but colors are decent enough. I’m assuming this was shot on HD, so this is likely as good as anything shot that way would look.
Audio
I don’t know if my copy was defective, but there is a horrendous audio stutter that pervades the first 15 minutes of the track, rendering it nearly inaudible. The packaging curiously states this is an English Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound track, but in reality it’s only 2.0 stereo sound. Now that a more encompassing track would have added anything to the finished product, but you’d think they could at least get the packaging right. There are no optional subtitles on this disc.
Extras
Mercifully, no extras whatsoever are included, however, there are the usual bonus trailers to start off the disc for the following: - "Mask of the Ninja" runs for 1 minute and 30 seconds. - "Street Warrior" runs for 1 minute and 44 seconds. - Dragon Dynasty DVD series promo runs for 1 minute and 14 seconds. - Dimension Extreme promo runs for 1 minute and 20 seconds.
Overall
I don’t know who, aside from friends of the cast and crew, would even consider owning this title. But, should anyone that is be reading this, don’t waste your money. There are a thousand better ways to waste $10. I would seriously recommend just flushing it down the toilet if that’s what it takes to prevent you from buying this flick.
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