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Missile To The Moon
R1 - America - Legend Films Review written by and copyright: Stevie McCleary and Noor Razzak (14th April 2008). |
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The Film
 When I was a child, I needed to do a report on the moon landing. So I pulled out the old hand-me-down encyclopedia set and began my research. There was much talk about the moon and what it was made out of and looked like. However I was more concerned on at least learning the names of the people who landed on it (hey, I was ten). It was at the end of this long entry about our orbiting friend where I read a sentence that would make me laugh while also feeling a sense of utter frustration - “One day, we also hope to put a man on the moon.” Turns out my handy hand-me-downs were from the year 1958, a whole…certain number up years before the actual moon landing. It’s also the same year that this drive-in ‘classic’ was made; Missile to the Moon. What strange and terrifying secrets would it unveil about this unseen planet hanging above out heads? And in restored color! Well… We start off with a missile launch. It’s good they’re keeping to their core concept. Shockingly this is just a swerve to lead us into opening credits. The first gem to be found is that this movie apparently features a group of ‘international beauty contest winners’. Good to know the acting is top notch. My money is one Miss Yugoslavia or Miss New Hampshire to unleash a giant spider (note: I don’t know if this movie has a giant spider. But it seems highly likely.). Finally the credits are done and we have a police car traveling down a dusty road. I don’t see what this has to do with outer space. Oh, it turns out that two convicts have escaped and might be in the vicinity of a scientist’s house. I can see where this is going. We are also introduced to the aforementioned scientist, and his friend Steve, who are trying to convince a General that his rocket can go to the moon. That is what we call plot. Steve also has a wife. This is what we call having people walk into the frame and explain their history randomly. It’s not awkward at all, instead completely naturalistic. Right now you might be thinking, ‘wow, it’d take a convoluted series of events trying to separately get the scientist, the two cons, plus Steve and his wife onto that rocket.” And you’re right, it does. Does it need to? No. But it does anyway. What follows next is the single greatest depiction of a rocket taking off into outer space that you will ever see. Words cannot properly describe the wonders I have now seen. Aboard the aircraft the bad convict (yes, the other one is ‘good’) tries to rape Steve’s wife. Yeah, this is handled pretty casually. She’s already forgotten it later when Good Con tells her that Bad Con ‘ain’t such a bad guy’. They have the short term memories of the teens on Home & Away. I expect that they’ll have all hooked up with each other, along with the aliens (that I assume are coming) and the giant spider (which I assume is coming) by the time the credits roll. In any event, the brief inconvenience of attempted molestation aside, everyone bands together when the single greatest depiction of a meteor shower that you will ever see hits the craft. This actually immediately precedes the single greatest death by falling cinder block you’ll ever see, as we say goodbye to a beloved character who’s name even the scriptwriter’s can’t remember. We hardly knew ye. Sadly, we don’t get to see any type of re-entry ‘footage’ as they land on the moon. Just constipated expressions on their faces and the line “My back hurts.” They begin to explore the moon, which strangely resembles a Dr Who quarry at 4:30pm, and suddenly come face-to-foam with the single greatest depiction of a rock creature coming to life that you’ll ever see. Luckily they don’t follow the travelers inside the nearby caves due to the oxygen (uh…) found inside. It is in here that they discover a race of alien beauty pageant winners. They have a deadly crisis facing their people and after a small misunderstanding over who the earth-people are (and some events that are eerily similar to Captain Kirk’s exploits with the blue skinned women…) everything goes horribly wrong. It’s at this point that some people end up being sacrificed to…a giant spider, thank you very much. It’s not quite the single greatest depiction of said arachnid but it does have some very pretty strings holding it up. I miss the ‘50s. It occurs to me at this juncture that I should have simply informed you to not watch this film. There is absolutely no reason to. And there never will be. It’s not bad enough to be good fun, just completely bad enough to suck. As I look at the back of the DVD case for the first time, I see that they have misprinted their own title as “Missle to the Moon.” That pretty much sums up everything that needs to be said.
Video
Presented in the film's original theatrical ratio of 1.33:1 much like other Legend Films releases comes in two varieties - colorized version and the original black and white. Before I get into a color vs. black and white commentary, lets focus on the overall transfer quality as both version seem to come from the same source. The image is surprisingly sharp for a film of its age, although there are a few soft spots so consistency is not always kept. Despite this I was pleased with the level of sharpness and detail especially in the backgrounds. There are the usual flaws, however, such as excessive grain at times, specs, dirt and track lines that run through the frame. This is to be expected but these flaws are not heavy or too consistent and therefore do not impair the viewing experience. No matter how much the Legend Films PR department spins this color issue I still think it looks terrible, no doubt there has been considerable advancement in the technology but it still looks unnatural, especially skin tones and hair color. If you're a purists like myself and would rather watch the black and white version I'm glad Legend have included it and overall the contrast is consistent, greyscales are balanced and blacks are bold although can be noisy at times.
Audio
A single English Dolby Digital 2.0 mono track is included and appears to be a restored and remastered version of the original soundtrack. Dialogue is clear and distortion free and the film's score blazes in all its cheesiness, while the track lacks range and depth which is expected of a film from this era. It's serviceable which is all we can really ask for. This film does not include any optional subtitles.
Extras
Legend Films has released this film with only a scant collection of extras none of which are directly related to the film but include some vintage commercials and a collection of bonus trailers. Below is a closer look at these supplements. First up are some Classic Sci-fi toy commercials, this reel runs for 9 minutes 43 seconds and features classic ads for Ideal Toys that include the Astro Base play set, the Countdown Control Play Center, the Sky Sweeper Truck and Blow-up Globe as well as Robert the Robot and Remco's Yankee Doodle Dandy Rocket Test Center. These ads provide a cool look back at how space toys dominated the 50's and the ways in which toy companies advertised to children. As a toy collector myself these were particularly interesting and enjoyed watching them. Rounding out the extras are a collection of bonus trailers for: - "Night of the Living Dead" which runs for 1 minute 9 seconds. - "Carnival of Souls" which runs for 2 minutes 28 seconds. - "Reefer Madness" which runs for 2 minutes 9 seconds. - "House on Haunted Hill" which runs for 1 minute 41 seconds. - "Plan 9 From Outer Space" which runs for 1 minute 41 seconds.
Overall
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