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Did You Hear About the Morgans?
[Blu-ray]
Blu-ray ALL - America - Sony Pictures Home Entertainment Review written by and copyright: Anthony Arrigo (1st June 2010). |
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The Film
 In response to the question posed by the film’s title: yes, unfortunately, I now have. However, I hope that by spewing some frothy, cyanide-laced vitriol, I can persuade others who may have been considering meeting the Morgans to refrain from doing so. Your life may depend on it… Ok, well, maybe not. You aren’t likely to die while you sit through insufferable minute after minute of this unladen dreck, but there’s a distinct possibility that you may be inclined to inflict serious damage to your eyes/ears, and possibly anyone else within your immediate vicinity. I’ve bore witness to some seriously heinous films which have the nerve to call themselves “comedies”. Honestly, go back and read some of my past reviews for films like “The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard” (2009), or something else comparably insulting which my brain has thankfully blocked from memory, and you’ll be able to fully understand how horrific a chore this film was to sit through because I would watch ANY of those other films in a heartbeat before subjecting myself to this one again. Even my girlfriend was bemoaning our viewing, and she’s a staunch supporter of all things Sarah Jessica Parker. I’m not exaggerating any of this, either. I truly feel as though this is the nadir for all involved, though I suppose in Hugh Grant’s case, that’s arguable. Meryl Morgan (Sarah Jessica Parker), a successful New York real estate agent, and her husband, Paul (Hugh Grant), a prominent lawyer, are going through a considerable rough patch in their marriage after a bout of infidelity. They bicker and argue constantly, barely able to stand each other’s company. One night, while out on a walk, the power couple go to visit a client of Meryl’s and bear witness to an unknown assailant throwing him off a balcony onto the sidewalk below. Fearing for their lives, especially since their identities have been discovered, the FBI places them both in the Witness Protection Program until things cool down back in NYC. What follows is your typical fish-out-of-water scenario replete with banal one-liners, insipid dialogue and a countless number of scenarios where one of our leads (usually Grant) could potentially be maimed or killed but, alas, it never comes to fruition. The first thing I noticed once the movie got rolling is that it’s practically a carbon copy of the Tim Allen/Kirstie Alley vehicle “For Richer or Poorer” (1997). The premise is near-identical: two yuppies with marital problems go on the run from bad guys, hide out in the sticks, bad guys find them, they reconcile, the end. The only difference, aside from some Mad Libs-esque word play, is that Allen’s film had a modicum of charm. The largest singular complaint I can lodge against this film is that neither one of the two main leads is even remotely likeable. We’re presented with two people who are materialistic, wealth-obsessed, cloying, annoying… you get the point. The problem with this is that we’re supposed to be rooting for them to escape a nefarious hitman who’s trying to kill them. But they’re such vile, ugly people that I kept rooting for someone to finally succeed in offing them. The most obvious example of this would have to be a scene where a grizzly bear manages to sneak up on Hugh Grant. A savage mauling would have served the moment so succinctly; the film could end on a high note of the bear peeling Grant’s scalp off his head like an orange, while, perhaps, it’s cubs could eat Sarah Jessica Parker from her Manolo Blahnik’s right on up. But, alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Instead we get a few moments of Grant cowering sheepishly before running into the cabin while getting bear-maced in the face by Parker. Which, pathetically enough, is actually a plot point. Sarah Jessica Parker has been working in film since the 80's, but she didn’t really gain any sort of prominent foothold until her turn as Carrie Bradshaw in the TV series “Sex and the City” (1998-2004). Since then, her only real high-profile gigs have been playing that same character in two feature-length films (2008 & 2010). Apparently, somewhere along the way, her circuitry got stuck in Bradshaw mode because she’s playing the exact same character here, the only difference being her profession, I think. I don’t know, I never saw the show. I relied on my girlfriend to inform me of all of this. Basically, from what I’ve gathered, Bradshaw is the same self-obsessed, haute couture whore that Meryl Morgan is. But, lack of an original character aside, a major problem Parker has is that she, well… how can I put this delicately? She ain’t exactly easy on the eyes. There’s a scene early on where she and Grant are standing in the rain, and I swear she looks like a skeleton wearing an Iggy Pop wig. Eat a pizza, woman! Parker has the kind of face you’d expect to see Mr. Ed coming home to greet, and the body of an emaciated 14-year-old boy. How anyone thought she was prime material for a leading lady is beyond me. I’m even more perplexed by the fact that she’s considered something of fashion icon. Although, in her defense, people aren’t looking at your face in the world of fashion. Regardless, she lacks comedic timing, acting abilities and stunning good looks – all three of which are needed to pull off a feature film with some level of success. Oh, Hugh Grant… why did you even bother to become an actor? Honestly, the man has even said that he doesn’t take the craft of acting very seriously, and he originally got into it as a joke. Now, I don’t know whether all of that is completely true or not, but what is true is that Grant has made a career out of playing the same simpering, pain-faced pansy that he plays here. Well, that and getting his knob polished by hookers at 2 a.m. while dating one of the world’s most attractive women. But I digress. Hugh must think he’s the funniest man alive. He has to because there’s no other explanation for why someone would deliver some of the least-funny comedy I’ve heard since whenever Dane Cook last appeared on my television. Grant has no balls, as a performer and as a man. There is zero testicular fortitude inside of him, and he seems to simply refuse to stretch himself as an actor. He plays the same character in every film for a reason: because he thinks it’s funny and he doesn’t have the ability to display any range. I couldn’t in my wildest dreams imagine Grant playing the straight man to another actor, or being a villain, or even simply playing a “normal” kind of guy. No, he’s made it very clear that his eternal role is that of a cowering, feminized boob. There are a countless number of actors working in comedy today who could have at least put forth their best effort to make crap like this watchable, but Grant just goes through the motions. Either he’s cleverer than I’m giving him credit for, and he knows he’s churning out a horrid film, or the man truly has no idea how little anyone who isn’t a woman and under 45 thinks of him. Director Marc Lawrence has worked with Grant twice before, so it’s not surprise that he’d work with him again. Plus, the fact that Grant prefers to do movies only with people he’s established with likely played a major part in this film coming together. A quick glance at his IMDB credits reveal that he’s both written and directed his fair share of romantic comedies, none of which I recall looking anything above par for a genre that I openly profess to loathe. He shows no ability to make a comedy be funny, the only thing it’s supposed to do. I wish I could say that there were some clever moments he managed to wring out of the prosaic script, but there wasn’t a single moment where I was even tempted to flash a grin. There were exactly two things cool about the film, and that would be co-stars Sam Elliott and Wilford Brimley. Fans of movies that kick all kinds of ass are no doubt familiar with those two names. They don’t do much to elevate this film above the sewage line, but they are able to add a touch of gravitas to what is otherwise a trite endeavor.
Video
I can’t fault the 2.35:1 1080p 24/fps AVC MPEG-4 encoded image for much. As expected, the picture exhibits a fine level of detail and clarity with even the most minute objects on-screen, though I did notice that this was more prevalent in the foreground than the background, where detail isn’t quite as defined. Every hair on Sarah Jessica Parker’s mane, er… hair is visible. Colors are strong and sharp, as are black levels during the few nighttime scenes. There isn’t much “pop” to the image, though. It’s as bland as the film is with little to really draw in viewers. Although, to be fair, I don’t think the filmmakers, or the target audience, would’ve been expecting this to be a visually-impressive picture. Romantic comedies haven’t exactly been known for their acute sense of visual flair and astounding cinematography. For what the film is, and what its fans likely expect, this is a perfectly acceptable transfer with a nice boost thanks to the increased resolution of high-definition.
Audio
The now-standard English DTS-HD MA 5.1 surround sound track mixed at 48kHz/24-bit isn’t as lifeless as the picture, but it won’t come as much of a surprise to learn that it also doesn’t do a whole lot to amaze, either. Dialogue is clear and concise – you won’t miss a line of Grant’s whiny delivery, or Parker’s piercing vocals. On the plus side, Elliott’s cool, crisp basso profondo sounds inviting in lossless sound. The ambient sounds of the environment, whether it be in New York City or the plains of Wyoming, do their part to fill out the rear channels. The LFE limps along, only being used for the occasional weak impact shot, car engine… you know, standard fare that has a little bit of rumble to it. Unfortunately, my dream of seeing Grant’s head annihilated by an RPG with an explosion loud enough to shake the foundations of my dwelling was never realized. The disc also includes a French DTS-HD MA 5.1 surround sound track (also mixed at 48kHz/24-bit) and something called an English Audio Descriptive Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound track. Subtitles are available in English, English for the hearing impaired and French.
Extras
If you thought meeting the Morgans was already tough, then these bonus features aren’t going to do much to encourage future encounters with them. Thankfully, the single-disc comes with a modest amount of extra material. We’re given an audio commentary, deleted scenes, outtakes, a few featurettes, bonus trailers, Sony’s MovieIQ interactive feature, and a BD-Live link. The film’s audio commentary with director Marc Lawrence and stars Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant isn’t nearly as dreadful as I had expected, though it’s still a chore to get through if you loathed the film (as I did). The trio doesn’t apologize for the film’s many shortcomings, but they do point out a few scenes that are slightly weaker than others (in their minds). Some interesting information is also relayed regarding shooting locations and amusing on-set anecdotes. But there’s little here to engage anyone who isn’t a fan of the film or the two leads. “Location, Location, Location!” (1080p) is a featurette which runs for 18 minutes and 13 seconds. The principal cast & crew talk about the two major shooting locations that were used in the film, New York City and New Mexico (which was a fill-in for Wyoming), and the challenges of shooting in such vastly different regions. “Cowboys and Cosmopolitans” (1080p) is a featurette which runs for 8 minutes and 5 seconds. This is essentially one big pat on the back for the film’s stars – nothing more than a glorified fluff piece. The actors in the film talk about why the others are “so great”. “Park Avenue Meets the Prairie” (1080p) is a featurette which runs for 5 minutes and 2 seconds. Costumer designer Christopher Peterson talks about the various fashions used in the film and about the wardrobe of each character. “A Bear of a Scene” (1080p) is a featurette which runs for 5 minutes and 21 seconds. This is a closer look at how the bear (that let me down by failing to maul Hugh Grant) was instructed during his scenes on camera. Watching his trainer play around with him on set looks insane and awesome, especially when he rides the bear like a horse. There are two deleted scenes (1080p) for the following: - “Elevator with Moving Men & Gotham Adoption Agency” runs for 4 minutes and 8 seconds, Meryl gets caught in an elevator with a couple of sweaty movers before her meeting about adopting a child. - “Impressive Putt” runs for 33 seconds, Paul makes a lengthy putt through his apartment. A reel of outtakes (1080p) runs for 6 minutes and 41 seconds. “International Special” (1080p) is a featurette which runs for 13 minutes and 46 seconds. This is essentially one long EPK for the film featuring interviews with the principal cast & crew discussing their respective characters, shooting locations and the film’s themes. There are bonus trailers available for the following: - “Dear John” runs for 2 minutes and 25 seconds. - “The Young Victoria” runs for 2 minutes and 34 seconds. - “An Education” runs for 2 minutes and 18 seconds. - “Julie & Julia” runs for 2 minutes and 12 seconds. Finally, there is Sony’s standard BD-Live link which leads to a homepage full of trailers and other miscellaneous promotional material, though nothing specific to the film is to be found. The disc also includes Sony’s "MovieIQ" interactive feature which, when activated through an internet connection, will sync up facts and trivia about the film while you watch it.
Packaging
The single-disc comes housed in Sony’s standard amaray keepcase with a production shot adorning the inner sleeve. I really like that Sony does this. It livens up what is otherwise a typically boring blue interior.
Overall
This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a slow, torturous death. If nothing I have said up to this point has cemented in your mind that you need to avoid seeing this at all costs, then you are either a total masochist or you really like one of the two stars. The ONLY reason I’m giving this thing anything above an “F” is because it features two awesome actors who have no business being in this film, but I respect them enough to give a pass.
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